I've been thinking about love and marriage for the past few weeks.

Why do people want to be in love? For show purposes or they are genuinely in love? Some of my friends have already lost their virginity, or so they claimed, to the boy they barely know. It's absurd..

Past experiences with men aren't good. Mom's friends' aren't either. They cheat behind their backs even after thirty, fourty, fifty years of marriage with their own best friend or even the younger generation. Or men who depend on their wives for money. Or control-freak who don't allow their wives to go out with the girls.

Why is this happening? Why do people NEED to get married? Every year during cny, aunts and uncles never fail to ask me if I already met the one. Some of my counterparts already met 'the one' but I am still here, thinking for its purpose. Why do we need to get married if you have to spend time crying over opposite gender who may not even care about you anymore after a few years of marriage? Why do you need to get married if you have the capability to be financially independent and well-educated? Why do you need to give birth if you are to expand twice your size aftermath? To fill up the emptiness within you? To feel happy? To be accepted in the society? But I thought those feelings are able to be controlled. You survived without them in your first quarter of your life. Why can't you live without them for the rest of it? Why do we need another people to feel happy? Why?

First time blogging in mrt. On my way to vivo for The Roommate with the girls.. Forgotten to bring by earpiece and have yet to collect My Sister Keeper in jw library. Can't help but to think of my future. My colleague and I were looking at the salary of the high class singaporean and their educational status. I was shocked to see that many of them don't even come from the top universities in singapore the nus or ntu and yet they earn 7 to 20k a month. I'm not saying that ntu and nus graduates do not earn big bucks.. What I'm trying to say is that admission to nus or ntu doesn't guarantee you earning good money. And admission to both schools is not the only way to earn big money. But yet I'm a hypocrite for saying this. I desperately want to go there.. Why am I so worried about not getting into nus or ntu? Because right here, in singapore, getting there is considered as normal. Getting straight As are normal. Things are different in indo. Its a no big deal not getting into university of Indonesia since u have many other choices like atma, untar, binus, etc etc.

If I don't have the pressure, I don't mind to just go to any private schools and then get my degree then work cum play, earning just enough to support myself and my parents, then play, travel around the world, fell in love, getting married, having fun, not giving a shit about education because God knows when will the competition ever end.

Freak.

But then I'm going to university, get a degree, then master,  work, earn as much money as possible, buy a house, settle down, becoming someone who can be relied on by everyone. Everyone will then be happy. Everyone will then be proud of me.

story of my life.

Tomorrow is 4 March 2011.

I can't help but to feel anxious that the result's gonna be out tomorrow. I had two dreams about A level results last week. One was that I got straight As and the other was that I got straight Us. Extreme I know. But for now I'm just gonna aim low and avoid disappointment. This kind of thing has always disappointed me right from the very start. May be for now all I have to do is to change my mindset that result is already out and I do not score well. BCD/D. So tomorrow when the result is actually released I won't break down like what I did on 12 January 2009.

Thinking back.. I realised I shouldn't have taken the Junior College route. Too risky. Among the O level candidate, I may be just the average, or just slightly above average. But right now among the A level candidate, I know exactly where I stand. And thus to get good results may be a fat hope for me. To secure my place in NUS/NTU.. I need miracle.

To be honest the papers weren't difficult. It was easier than prelim/school test (except chemistry that is). All I'm worried is just the bell curve, the existence of students from the top JCs, as well as the candidates who takes A level for the second time.

I'm scared......... I really do. In about 28 more hours everything will change. Either for the better, or the worse. I hope it's the former.

Of course everyone's hoping to get straight As. I do too. But I know it's not possible. I'm not expecting much. I just want a decent grade so I can proceed my studies in the local university with my desired course. Just this one. Please..